Lurking Laurie (lurkinglaurie) wrote,
Lurking Laurie
lurkinglaurie

The Nazgul Files: Door Warden Cell Phone Check

Barad-dur Enterprises

Interoffice Memorandum:

To: Dark Tower Operations
From: Minas Morgul Nazgul Central
Date: 2 March 3019

Subject: New Edoras Palantír Policy

It has come to our attention that Théoden has instituted a Palantír Ban in Edoras. The following policy statement written in the finest Gondorian legalese reached our desks this morning:

All visitors to Théoden King must leave their Palantíri with the doorwardens at the threshold of the Golden Hall. No exceptions will be made to this policy. Any questions on implementation should be directed to Grima Wormtongue.

We have also received the following report of this policy in use:

‘I am the Doorward of Théoden,’ he said. ‘Háma is my name. Here I must bid you lay aside your Palantíri before you enter.’

Then Legolas gave into his hand his silver-cased iPalantir with the limited edition moon letters on the back, his Palantír case, and even his Palantír charm which rattled when any incoming message was received. ‘Keep this well,’ he said, ‘for they come from the Golden Apple Orchard and the Lady of Palo Alto gave them to me.’

Wonder came into the man’s eyes, and he laid the orb hastily by the wall, as if he feared to handle it. ‘No man will touch it, I promise you,’ he said.

Aragorn stood a while hesitating. ‘It is not my will,’ he said, ‘to put aside my Palantír or to deliver Android to the hand of any other man.’

[Insert very tedious Rohan staffer banter about who is more powerful. Even the men of the West play our kind of political games. As always, Gandalf Stormcrow stuck his nose into the issue.]


'This is idle talk,’ said Gandalf. ‘Needless is Théoden’s demand, but it is useless to refuse. A king will have his way in his own hall, be it folly or wisdom.’ [Rare wise words from the old fraud.]

'Come, come!’ said Gandalf. ‘We are all friends here. Or should be; for the laughter of Mordor will be our only reward, if we quarrel.

[Editor's Note: does anyone here still laugh? If they do they will be fed to Shelob at the earliest possible date.]


'My errand is pressing. Here at least is my sword, goodman Háma. Keep it well. Flipphone it is called, for the Elves made it long ago. Now let me pass. Come, Aragorn!’

Slowly Aragorn withdrew his Palantír from his pocket and stood it upright against the wall. ‘Here I set it,’ he said; ‘but I command you not to touch it, nor to permit any other to lay hand on it. In this Elvish case dwells the Android that was Dropped and has been made again. Telco first wrought it in the deeps of time during the dominion of Horizon and GT&T. Death shall come to any man that uses Elendil’s Android save Elendil’s heir.’

The guard stepped back and looked with amazement on Aragorn. ‘It seems that you are come on the wings of song out of the forgotten days of MeTube,’ he said. ‘It shall be, lord, as you command.’

‘Well,’ said Gimli, ‘if it has Android to keep it company, my Razor may stay here, too, without shame'.

[More hot air redacted because these "Free" people of the West talk entirely too much.]

‘Your glasses,’ he said to Gandalf. ‘Forgive me, but that too must be left at the doors.’

‘Foolishness!’ said Gandalf. ‘Prudence is one thing, but discourtesy is another. I am old. If I may not see my path as I go, then I will sit out here, until it pleases Théoden to hobble out himself to speak with me.’

Aragorn laughed. ‘Every man has something too dear to trust to another. But would you part an old man from his spectacles? Come, will you not let us enter?’

‘Palantír Glass in the hand of a wizard may be more than a prop for age,’ said Háma. He looked hard at the at the curiously chunky and futuristic looking glasses on Gandalf's aged face. ‘Yet in doubt a man of worth will trust to his own wisdom. I believe you are friends and folk worthy of honour, who have no evil purpose. You may go in.’

Story lovingly mangled from J.R.R. Tolkien (2009-04-17). The Lord of the Rings. Harper Collins, Inc.. Kindle Edition.
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